Abbott Costello - Whos on First

Abbott Costello Whos On First Abbott: Well Costello, Im going to New York with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Yanks manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as youre on the team. Costello: Look Abbott, if youre the coach, you must know all the players. Abbott: I certainly do. Costello: Well, you know Ive never met the guys. So youll have to tell me their names, and then Ill know whos playing on the team. Abbott: Oh, Ill Ill tell you their names, but you know, strange as it may seem, they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: You mean funny names? Abbott: Strange names, pet names like Dizzy Dean. Costello: His brother Daffy. Abbott: Daffy Dean. Costello: And their French cousin. Abbott: French? Costello: Goofà ¨. Abbott: Goofà ¨ Dean! Oh, I see. Well, lets see, we have on the bags we have Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Know is on third. Costello: Thats what I want to find out. Abbott: I say Whos on first, Whats on second, I Dont Knows on third. Costello: Are you the manager? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You gonna be the coach too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you dont know the fellows names? Abbott: Well, I should. Costello: Well, then, whos on first? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the fellows name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy on first. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first baseman. Abbott: Who! Costello: The guy playing Abbott: Who is on first! Costello: Im asking YOU whos on first. Abbott: Thats the mans name. Costello: Thats whos name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats who? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: Whos playing first? Abbott: Thats right. Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money? Abbott: Every dollar of it. Costello: All Im trying to find out is the fellows name on first base. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy that gets the money. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Who gets the money on first Abbott: He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it. Costello: Whose wife? Abbott: Yes. Abbott: Whats wrong with that? Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name to the contract? Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy. Abbott: Who. Costello: How does he sign his Abbott: Thats how he signs it. Costello: Who? Abbott: Yes. Costello: All Im trying to find out is whats the guys name on first base? Abbott: No. What is on second base. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first. Costello: One base at a time! Abbott: Well, dont change the players around. Costello: Im not changing nobody! Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. Costello: Im only asking you, whos the guy on first base? Abbott: Thats right. Costello: Ok. Abbott: All right. Costello: I mean whats the guys name on first base? Abbott: No, what is on second. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Oh, hes on third. Were not talking about him. Costello: Now how did I get on third base? Abbott: Why you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third basemans name, who did I say is playing third? Abbott: No. Whos playing first. Costello: Whats on first? Abbott: Whats on second. Costello: I dont know. Abbott: Hes on third. Costello: There I go, back on third again! Costello: Look, would you stay on third base and dont go off it. Abbott: All right, what do you want to know? Costello: Now whos playing third base? Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base? Costello: What am I putting on third? Abbott: No. What is on second. Costello: You dont want who on second? Abbott: Who is on first. Costello: I dont know. Abbott Costello: Third base!! Costello: Look, you gotta outfield? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The left fielders name? Abbott: Why. Costello: I just thought Id ask you. Abbott: Well, I just thought Id tell ya. Costello: Then tell me whos playing left field? Abbott: Who is playing first. Costello: Im not Stay out of the infield!! I wanna to know whats the guys name in left field? Abbott: No, What is on second. Costello: Im not asking you whos on second. Abbott: Whos on first! Costello: I dont know. Abbott Costello: Third base!! Costello: And the left fielders name?! Abbott: Why. Costello: Because! Abbott: Oh, hes centerfield. Costello: Look, look, look You gotta pitcher on the team? Abbott: Sure. Costello: The pitchers name? Abbott: Tomorrow. Costello: You dont want to tell me today? Abbott: Im telling you now. Costello: Then go ahead. Abbott: Tomorrow! Costello: What time? Abbott: What time what? Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me whos pitching? Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching! Who is Costello: Ill break your arm, you say whos on first! I want to know whats the pitchers name? Abbott: Whats on second. Costello: I dont know. Abbott Costello: Third base!! Costello: Gotta a catcher? Abbott: Certainly. Costello: The catchers name? Abbott: Today. Costello: Today, and tomorrows pitching. Abbott: Now youve got it. Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team. Costello: You know Im a catcher too. Abbott: So they tell me. Costello: I get behind the plate, do some fancy catching, tomorrows pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Abbott: Yes? Costello: Now, the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, Im gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who? Abbott: Now thats the first thing youve said right. Costello: I dont even know what Im talking about!! Abbott: Thats all you have to do. Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base. Abbott: Yes! Costello: Now whos got it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebodys gotta get it. Now who has it? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Naturally? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally. Abbott: No you dont! You throw the ball to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats different. Costello: Thats what I said. Abbott: Youre not saying that. Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally. Abbott: You throw it to Who. Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Thats what I said! Abbott: You ask me. Costello: I throw the ball to who? Abbott: Naturally. Costello: Now you ask me. Abbott: You throw the ball to Who? Costello: Naturally. Abbott: Thats it. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: Dont change it around. Costello: Same as you! Abbott: Go ahead now. Costello: I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Abbott: Yes. Costello: Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Dont Know. I Dont Know throws it back to Tomorrow triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I dont know! Hes on third and I dont give a darn! Abbott: What? Costello: I said I dont give a darn! Abbott: Oh, thats our shortstop.

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